That Holiday Feeling

Although the holidays are supposed to be such a wonderful time of the year full with glee, and especially today seeing as I should be focusing on what I am thankful for, I cannot help but feel so empty this time around and reflect on what I do not have. 

It's a rather pessimistic point of view to take on, I know, but I'm going to rant on anyway because I need to. This year I lost some irreplaceable things that the cause of my heart ache. 

My wonderful, intelligent brother now in Paris has left me feeling rather alone in my own house. I've never had to be without him and even though it's been four months since he left, I'm still not okay with him gone. I am okay with it, but I'm not. It's hard to want someone home when you know they are making and living an amazing life of their own. I mean, I can't want him home, not when he's having so much fun out there. I think I just want to be okay, not for him to be home. There's sometimes a deafening silence that creeps over my house. At a big dinner table just three of us sit, clicking forks and knives to plates. We make an effort not to meet one another's eyes for fear of attempting to make conversation none of us want to have. This silence consumes my mother, my sister, and myself, leaving us mute to each other. And I can't help but remembering that just before he left the talks we would have at one or even two in the morning, rendering me feeling like not only did my brother leave, but a friend as well. 

Among friends, I lost a best friend this year. I've lost this friend for some time now, but these past few weeks it has finally sunk in. I feel mostly shocked of all. I never would have guessed that of all my the people I call my best friends, they would be the one I who left. It hurts so badly that I forget about it completely at times. After all these months I still find myself seeing things that remind me them and then writing out a text message to send to them and just before hitting send, it all hits me and I remember. 

I don't think a day goes by I don't feel this ache. 

The holidays are great. Thanksgiving has too much food-it grosses me out- but thanksgiving brings family, and that family brings love and my heart aches less, but when we go around the table and say our thanks I can't help but let the tears well in my eyes when I choke out that I am thankful for my family, friends, and to have such an inspiring brother living his dream far away.

I guess I just feel a little empty right now. And a little lost myself.