Foot steps

I think I want to be a writer and study English in college, something along those lines; I just can't admit that just yet. I don't even have anyone to blame for this apprehension, which is the worst part. I mean, I almost wish I had unsupportive friends or parents (key word almost, I am super appreciative of my loving and supportive friends and parents). I'm just saying that if a movie were to be made about my life and I was over coming some struggle, it wouldn't be that exciting because I wouldn't be fight anyone but myself.

That is definitely the scariest thing: I'm only standing in the way of myself. I don't know how to fix this, but I think this blog is a start. I feel so inexplicably torn about the subjects, as if I have two minds in one head.  I think I want to be a some type of an author, but I don't want to show everyone what I write, and sometimes I don't want to pursue it writing at all. It's almost as if I don't want to succeed. I don't understand why I'm doing this to myself. I don't want to be still, I'm definetly not the kind of person to stand idle.  Yet, here I am unwilling to move. I don't want to be this way. I'm thinking 5 steps into the future without taking even 1 step now. It doesn't even matter what direction I step. Do you think it really matters where I step? Is it even that important, so important that I feel an unbearable weight of pressure weighing down on my neck? I don't think its that important. As long as your moving, you're heading the right way (for the most part of course). So why am I so apprehensive that I'm going to step incorrectly that I won't take a step at all? Not even half a step. I feel like incredulously fighting with myself. What kind of  sick joke is that? Why in the world am I fighting myself? I should be fighting other people. I should be fighting tradition  I should be fighting the "man". All of the cliche teenage things to do, but here I am in the most rebellious years of my life fighting myself.

I'd like to do more incredibly memorable things, spontaneity is something I struggle with: I think it's good to be a little bad in your life every now and then, it reminds you why you try so hard to stay good all the time.  But I overthink it all. I just need to keep making footsteps in the sand.