Growing Up

It's come time for the quite expected and quite hackneyed post about growing up. Such a cliche topic for every young adult my age requires a bit of patience from the audience who has been through it, and a little empathy from the audience who is currently going through it. I thought to myself some time before I graduated that this post would come far sooner than it actually has. One month and two days after graduation it finally feels like time to make it internet official. I the heavy hearted, insomniac, and naive junior who started this blog is now a clear headed, slightly broken hearted, maturer college freshman who will hopefully display more discipline in keeping up my writing. It feels good to have graduated and to move on, from school that is. One of the things that feels the best actually is this innate amount of respect that is immediately added to your self worth by other people just because you have graduated from high school. It truly feels like I have just been welcomed into a secret society of the world; sure, I'm still going through a bit of a hazing stage and not fully accepted, but getting in is half the battle right? Part of me likes to wonder what secret rules, come with this secret society. Just the other day I sent a text to a friend that started out "haha, ..." I might as well have dropped the phone and shuddered. How junior high! Surely I was more mature and could hold better conversation than that that constituted me in all seriousness using "haha" to get through the conversation. (And to those who have long been a member of this secret society there is a distant difference between "lol" and "haha" and there is a distinct difference to someone my age using either with someone your age than with someone our own age). Along with making me shudder, this whole event made me come out of auto-pilot for a minute and realize how detached I was being. Halfway through a car ride home from anywhere, the grocery store, L.A., Uganda, there will be a moment when I realize I've been on auto-pilot and I suddenly tune back into my life and think "wow, that went by faster than I thought it would." It's like I went through some type of time warp in these moments, and these past couple of days I've realized that my whole life feels like a car ride halfway home and now I'm lucid for the rest of the drive. So, I finally have to grab hold of the steering wheel and pay attention. I can't say in truth that I am thoroughly thrilled about this. I do fear the monotony that life can bring and my love for routines- together a deadly combination. This all makes me think back to another post on this blog. After I got back from volunteering in Belize I had felt as though I peaked and was hesitant to go back down the mountain. I'm not sure what I've done this whole year. Its a bigger mountain than I previously imagined, that I know for sure. College admissions and rejections, getting out of this bubble town, and thinking an bit more outside myself has knocked me off my high horse and back on to the ground. I think it was a bit arrogant of me to even think I had peaked in any part of my life. The "high school was the best part of my life" mantra is not one for me. There is much to learn, much of the world to explore, and many, many more people to talk to. In a compact thought, I know I am finite in an infinite world, and I feel comfort in knowing that. With nearly a month of summer left I am beginning to hear the clock tic-tock in the back of my head. It's starting to drive me a little crazy. I'm finding it hard to decide whether the future is near, or the future is now.