This Blog

I haven't had a lot to write and post on this blog because lately I have been internalizing and attempting to redirect the energy elsewhere. In the past few weeks, things have dangerously resembled the events of last year. The largest difference this year is the way I've reacted this time around, and thank god I'm not a slow learner. As many things come to a close this year the term senioritis has become more clear to me. Senior year is not the the year everything ends, if it was there would be a lot of people working furiously to finish- it would be crunch time. Senior year is a year of waiting for what you've been looking forward to and actually want to do, to begin. That's why a lot of  people just sort of don't do much senior year academically wise, time spent with friends and family seems much more valuable. Doing things that go against the norm and the expected seems much more exciting. And, I lost my train of thought.

Every time I sit down to write down some thoughts for this blog it always ends up as half an idea. My head feels scattered an unfocused because I don't care about high school anymore. After my last AP test this friday I'll be worry free with only movies, a few finals, and a project here and there to occupy my school day.

Up until today I haven't really been looking forward to graduation. I mean, I haven't not been looking forward to it, but it just didn't seem all that important. Up until now, when I just watched a scene of seniors graduating on a TV show did I suddenly become really, really excited. I feel like graduating is going to be the opposite of death. Everything is will be a fresh start. Right now, i'm slowly coming back to life. My mind is clearing up and the things that I thought mattered, really don't and I don't think I've ever felt a better feeling.

The only thing I find to be scary at the moment, is how willing I feel to cut all ties with this town. In the past couple of months its brought me a lot of grief and I'm ready to be over the grief, anger, and overall bad feelings.

I'm excited to leave high school and all the things I find immensely annoying and all the people that are immensely ignorant. I'm excited to be an engineer. I'm excited, and it feels great.

Coins

In extremes simplification, the world works like this: what you put in, you get out. To me anyway. But sometimes we get impatient and it feels like we aren't getting out all that we've put in. Then we are at a crossroad. Do you continue to put in and have that blind faith, or do we change something, start all over again.  It's kind of like those machines at casinos or chuck-e-cheese were you put your money in the slot of the machine and they roll down on to the the moving table, and you sit there and keep putting in your coin hoping that that coin will be the coin that pushes the mountain of coins over the edge. But it's not that coin. That coin slides down, rolls a little, does a little bounce, and then it wobbles a little and falls right on top of another coin rendering it useless. So you sigh, watch the moving table go back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, all the while you hold a coin in your hand, turning it over until your palm starts to get a little sweaty. So, finally you hold the coin at the slot, focus on the moving table, and then you push in the coin and watch it slide down and fall. 

Eventually, you'll get what you put in the world, in one way or another, I'm sure of it. Sometimes, I just wish you would know when to stop putting in your coins.