Poetry-ish Writing

I do not pride myself in my ability (or lack of) to compose poetry. I actually often wonder what defines a piece of writing to be categorized as poetry. But in any case, I passed a cemetery on my drive back from LA today and it prompted me into putting this together. It felt like a poem and I thought it half decent to share. 

When I die I want to be cremated. 

I do not want to spend eternity trapped in one place. 

And I do not want a plaque for everyone to collectively grieve at. 

I want them to go where my memory thrives. 

To the place they first met me. 

To the place we shared a first. 

To the place where I seem like I'm alive. 

Even if it's not special, even if it's just a place to everyone else. 

Because there is where I will be felt, long after I am gone. 

There is where I will be heard when I no longer am with you. 

There is where I will keep being there for you, when you need me. 

I would stay as long as anyone wanted. I would have the time I so fear I lack right now. 

When I die I want to be free, and split myself up into pieces. 

So that I can be with everyone who feels I am not with them now. 

I want to make them feel as if all my time is dedicated to them, if they do not feel that way now. 

When I die I want to be remembered clearly and individually, not in or as a blur. 

Extremely Sisterly Thoughts

When we were younger my sister would like to sleep in my bed a lot. I always found it strange that she sought comfort in me rather than my parents especially in the middle of the night, but I never questioned it. I always endured having to share the bed. Being the sporadic ball of energy she's always been, it was hard for her to fall asleep and me being the grumpy older sister wanted her to just go to sleep immediately. Without knowing it, I created a sort of "warm glass of milk" for her in which all I did was talk her to sleep and distract from the monsters under the bed. Sometimes I would get frustrated having to do so much talking and comforting, and sometimes I would wake up from a nightmare myself wanting to run to my parents room, but I stayed because I thought good big sisters stay with their little sisters even when they're afraid. 

It's been a while since she's snuck into my bed in the middle of the night, or I've talked her to sleep. But sometimes I wonder if she remembers the endless talking, or if she wakes up in the middle of the night wanting to run to my room like I sometimes wake up wanting to run to my parents room. 

I finally accepted that my little sister is now taller than me. It seems like she grew over night. It took me a while to come to terms with her being taller now because it felt like it meant I was the smallest in the family now. But reminiscing about the monsters under the bed, I know I'll always be the big sister. 

Growing up seems to be becoming more real each and every day. And all of a sudden I'm realizing everyone else is growing up too.

Endless Dice

You know those dice with 15 different sides to them? They are for those dungeon and dragons games I think. Or that die that comes with the game Scattergories with letters on it. When you pick up the die and turn it around in your hand you see some of the same letters over and over and just when you think you know all the sides to the dice, you roll it one more time and it lands on a side you could swear didn't exist a second ago. People are like those dice too, except they have a lot more sides. Just when you think you've seen all around them they turn one way and blow you away. For better or for worse, it never ceases to amaze me of the things people are capable of. The capacity to love, hate, and to feel and make others feel everything in between is just astonishing. I saw my math teacher land on a new side today when in the middle of his lecture, he saw a special education student collecting recyclable bottles, proceeded to get out of his chair and invite the kid in his classroom to help him. I think what truly made things click was the genuine happiness I saw exuding out of my math teacher as he helped the student. 

Just a small note as I sit in math. (And if you don't know, this is very much not the man I see in class daily.) If I knew a good quote about rolling the dice, I would end this post with it.